day 1

So, as to not waste anyone’s time (video games are serious business), here’s a summary:

What I liked:

• Improved magic system (Also, dual wielding of magic, nuthin’ like a jizz-covered lizard holding two flaming balls to strike fear into the hearts of bandits).
• Shouts – Or, magic without needing magic skill.
• The way that people make me feel like a bad-ass. I mean, if I was stroked this much at home, I’d probably never even need Skyrim.
• “Finishing Moves” (like, chopping a bitches head off with a two-handed axe or splitting some punk in half with a claymore). Now, if only they’d add the ability to use cheesy one-liners… “He had to split!”
• One-handed weapon dual wielding.

What I was kind of bothered by:

• Shield + Strike tactic no longer works. You’ll have to alternate between swinging your manhood around and repelling the advances of those who do not wish to see you succeed.
• Tedious armor creation/improvement system. Find Iron Ore -> Find smelter -> Smelt into Iron Ingot -> Find forge -> Forge into something usable.
• Unable to find a working NUDE BITCHES mod. Found it!

What pissed me the fuck off:

• Simplified. The entire game is simplified. It now heavily favors twitch gaming over planned strategy. Things like weapon-specific skills exist only in the perks, and are no longer a separate skill. Attributes are reduced to “health”, “stamina”, and “magicka”. Where the fuck did strength go? I want to carry 500 pounds around! (In case I’m spending a night with <redacted> somebody’s mother.) Edit: It turns out that stamina somehow improves carry weight.
• Invincible characters (children) who are dick heads. Sometimes I want to kill an entire town. Not going to happen in this version… no sir… kids, who are not only immune to the effects of an axe, are also rude. I’d be kind of okay with this had Bethesda not gone out of their way to paint all youths as little bastards with sharp tongues. I understand that the populace would probably get upset if even a single person were allowed to kill children in a game. I mean, I don’t like how other people play games either. I say we ban all fast twitch gaming, because I disagree with it. THEY’RE VIRTUAL CHILDREN, NOT REAL PEOPLE. Pussies.

Excitement Boner: Pack of Mentos