Introduction November 17, 2011

Q: What the fuck is this?

A: A blog documenting the long term effects of a 9 day Skyrim binge. It’s kind of like a journal, only not as gay. Edit: Sorry, I meant homosexual, I know how offensive it is to use “gay” this way. Edit 2: Apparently homosexual isn’t any better. I now mean “EMO”.

Q: What the fuck is Skyrim?

A: The best video game ever made. EVER MADE. Also, it’s the next installment of the Elder Scrolls series by Bethesda. They also made Fallout 3, which was alright… I suppose. Certainly not blog worthy.

Q: Why are you doing this?

A: So I can remember these precious times, FOREVER… or at least until I’m too lazy to re-register the domain. Also, I have 160 hours of PTO (Paid Time Off) saved up… and I cannot think of a more perfect way to spend my vacation than being lazy and stoned off of video-game pr0nz.

Q: What do you plan to accomplish?

A: I hope to obtain 154 hours of play time in 9 days. Which, out of a total of 216, may seem impossible, but I have chosen to use a custom sleep schedule for this event, observe:

20 hours on, 8 hours off. 6 hours for sleep, 1 hour for updating this here blog, and another 1 hour for eating, drinking, and, if my bowels so choose, pooping. Also, I may want to stand up every once in awhile to not be like that kid in China who WoW’d himself to death. This means that I’ll have 7.71 “custom” days. 7.71 * 20 (hours of playtime) comes to approximately 154 hours. Yeah, I’m fuckin’ ready. EDIT: I most certainly will have to do something for Thanksgiving. I despise turkey, yams, cranberries, and people. I have alloted 6 hours for this crap-fest. This means that I’ll begin my journey Friday night, and quit slightly early on Sunday. Still 154 hours. DO NOT LOSE FAITH!

Q: Have you ever attempted this sort of thing before?

A: Well, I did put over 300 hours into Oblivion. I accomplished EVERYTHING in that game. Closed all gates. All quests in an order that was non-mutually exclusive. (Played twice, for the alternate endings). Explored all caves (on PC even). Installed all the DLC worth while. And this doesn’t count the two play-through sessions on Shivering Isles.

Q: How old are you?

A: 26. I need to get this out before I’m too old to abuse my body with sleep deprivation.

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Preparation November 17, 2011

Preparation, who needs it?

I do. If this is to be more fun than a clown on fire, I must make sure to prepare myself, both physically and emotionally.

Beginning Health Stats:

  • Blood Pressure: 108/70
  • Heart Rate: 64 BPM

Yeah, I actually went in for a checkup. By “went in for a checkup” I mean that I visited the chair with the electronic arm band that the obese cart-driving butter-balls are usually sitting in at WalMart.. pfff... at least I don’t use a cart. Also, as you can see, I’m quite healthy.

Beginning Mental Health:

A dear friend of mine has her degree in Health and Human Development. Her assessment is this: Hazy, try again later. I suppose that means I can’t really fuck anything up.

Starting Supplies:

To be determined.

Masturbation, Sex, and Drugs:

Skyrim makes these things obsolete. So, none.

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Supplies November 17, 2011

A Chinese man, a Mexican, and a Caucasian decided to take a multi-cultural journey (perhaps to Brokeback mountain, which IS gay (it’s ok to use it here I think)). They decided to meet at a camp site prior to their journey. Whitey says “Mexican, you’ll need to bring the fishing poles. I’ll get some fuel, and Chinese dude, you’ll need to bring supplies.” After some time the Mexican comes back with fishing poles and Captain White comes back with the fuel. A few hours pass and there is no sign of the Chinese guy. Just as they’re ready to leave the Chinese dude jumps out from behind a rock and yells “SUPPLIES!”

AHAHAHA! Get it? Meh. Lame joke is lame.

Supplies include:

  1. 6 cans of cheap energy drank.
  2. 24 sodas.
  3. Nuts.
  4. Two packages of this horrible tasting jerky (just discovered that it’s a little bit like smoked vomit, no refunds)
  5. A package of not-so-bad tasting jerky.
  6. Meatballs. Brandon’s mom loves my meat balls.
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Preparing the workspace November 17, 2011

My desk is completely clean. There is nothing on it that does not aid in dealing immeasurable amounts of pain to pixel baddies. When vacation time is over I imagine it will be filthier than <redacted> some girl who takes money for intercourse.

It's almost clean enough to eat off — I wouldn't though.

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Day 1: Steam November 17, 2011

I have to install Steam?


Q: What is steam?

A: GAY! See here: Steam (software)

From Wikipedia:

Steam allows developers and publishers to change prices and restrict game availability depending on the user’s location. This can cause some games to cost more than retail prices, despite digital distribution removing the costs of manufacturing, packaging, design, and logistic.

Valve also restricts game registration and playability to the buyer’s country of residence. One example of this regional restriction can be seen where Valve uses Steam’s authentication to prevent boxed versions of their games sold in Russia and Thailand, which are priced significantly lower than elsewhere, from being used outside those territories.

Fuck you right in the DRM protected pooper.

Excitement Boner: Flacid

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Day 1: Installation November 17, 2011

The installation screen does not feature rotating banners? WTF?

Gone are the days of rich multimedia content during game installs. This is the cold hard truth of a world where Steam installations are commonplace.

Excitement Boner: Still Flacid

Installation banner

The same fucking installation banner

Update: The installation is finished! Well, kinda…. it’s been trying to install DirectX for 3 minutes and 24 seconds 5 minutes and 17 seconds now…

DirectX, Y U NO HURRY?

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Day 1: Character creation November 17, 2011

Now, Skyrim offers the same character choices as Oblivion.

Only this time, there seems to be pressure from “The Man” to choose a Nord. Well, fuck the man.

I’m playing the usual Argonian. Water breathing and disease resistance FTW.

Meet "The Jizzard"

You might be wondering why I dubbed thee “The Jizzard.”

Well, he’s an albino lizard with a shiny head. His head is SO shiny that it looks just a little bit like he’s been on the receiving end of a high-budget money shot. Maybe I’ve been corrupted by the interwebs, but I’m sure you can see the similarities. I mean, it’s not like you don’t watch teh pr0nz.

Excitement Boner: Half Staff (mast)

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Day 1: First Impressions November 17, 2011

So, as to not waste anyone’s time (video games are serious business), here’s a summary:

What I liked:

  • Improved magic system (Also, dual wielding of magic, nuthin’ like a jizz-covered lizard holding two flaming balls to strike fear into the hearts of bandits).
  • Shouts – Or, magic without needing magic skill.
  • The way that people make me feel like a bad-ass. I mean, if I was stroked this much at home, I’d probably never even need Skyrim.
  • “Finishing Moves” (like, chopping a bitches head off with a two-handed axe or splitting some punk in half with a claymore). Now, if only they’d add the ability to use cheesy one-liners… “He had to split!”
  • One-handed weapon dual wielding.

Bunny rabbits die twice as fast

I'll stab you right in the ovaries...

What I was kind of bothered by:

  • Shield + Strike tactic no longer works. You’ll have to alternate between swinging your manhood around and repelling the advances of those who do not wish to see you succeed.
  • Tedious armor creation/improvement system. Find Iron Ore -> Find smelter -> Smelt into Iron Ingot -> Find forge -> Forge into something usable.
  • Unable to find a working NUDE BITCHES mod. Found it!

Let's take off that itchy bra...

What pissed me the fuck off:

  • Simplified. The entire game is simplified. It now heavily favors twitch gaming over planned strategy. Things like weapon-specific skills exist only in the perks, and are no longer a separate skill. Attributes are reduced to “health”, “stamina”, and “magicka”. Where the fuck did strength go? I want to carry 500 pounds around! (In case I’m spending a night with <redacted> somebody’s mother.) Edit: It turns out that stamina somehow improves carry weight.
  • Invincible characters (children) who are dick heads. Sometimes I want to kill an entire town. Not going to happen in this version… no sir… kids, who are not only immune to the effects of an axe, are also rude. I’d be kind of okay with this had Bethesda not gone out of their way to paint all youths as little bastards with sharp tongues. I understand that the populace would probably get upset if even a single person were allowed to kill children in a game. I mean, I don’t like how other people play games either. I say we ban all fast twitch gaming, because I disagree with it. THEY’RE VIRTUAL CHILDREN, NOT REAL PEOPLE. Pussies.

"Hey mister, I'll destroy you in a fight" — Little Bastard

Excitement Boner: Pack of Mentos

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Day 1: Summary November 17, 2011

  • Hours played: 9
  • Level: 9
  • Average Excitement Boner: Half Staff (mast)
  • Energy Drinks Remaining: 4

Character Shot:

The Jizzard is sporting Branded Iron Armor with a fashionable Steel Helmet

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