Day 2: Things I've learned November 18, 2011

1. Killing dragons is WTF awesome.

Boom! Headshot!

2. Decapitating people is WTF awesome.

That's what ya get for leavin' the kitchen!


C'mon... just a little bit more...

4. How to solve the Hired Muscle: Atar quest. All it says on the UESPWiki is:

beat up Atar in Karthwasten mine town. for me his grunts start attacking as soon as i won and once Atar gets up he starts attacking. Not sure if a glitch or part of the quets. If you kill him you fail the quest along w/ another quest in the town.

Nice walkthrough...

That’s pretty terrible grammar. Anyway, the trick is: Get the dudes to leave the mine, first. Then follow Atar out. Challenge him and begin fighting. Run away from his guards, far enough that they no longer acknowledge his presence and begin walking away. If no guards are around, then the “defeated” dialogue is never interrupted. And yeah, it’s probably a glitch.

5. There actually is another Argonian in Skyrim. First one that I’ve found… exciting!


6. The highest level heavy armor is Deadric, just like in Oblivion. Not the Dragon Plate. BUT, light armor fans now get Dragon Scale to outperform Glass. So, after discovering this, I’ve decided to switch to light armor in preparation. Also, it’s easier to chase down the ladies.

Excitement Boner: Raging Bull

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Day 2: Summary November 19, 2011

  • Hours played: 20 (29/154)
  • Level: 19
  • Average Excitement Boner: Raging Bull
  • Energy Drinks Remaining: 2

Character Shot (As a mother fuckin' werewolf):

And they say video games are too violent these days...

In non-eat-your-fucking-face mode:

Superior Leather Armor with a Nord Hero's Battle Axe

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Day 3: Summary November 20, 2011

  • Hours Played: 20 (49/154)
  • Level: 26
  • Average Excitement Boner: Iron Broadsword
  • Energy Drinks Remaining: 0

Character Shot (Skull-fucking a dragon):

Prepare you skull

Character Shot (Casual):

BDSM leather.

So, I’m now the Listener of the Dark Brotherhood, just like in Oblivion. The difference seems to be that you have less control over your guild (this is the same for The Companions guild). I haven’t found a way to control the recruitment/contract balance as you could in Oblivion. But, I do have a torture chamber, so that should count for something…

It rubs the lotion on its skin

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Day 4: Summary November 21, 2011

  • Hours Played: 20 (69/154)
  • Level: 31
  • Average Excitement Boner: Dragon Horn
  • Energy Drinks Remaining: 5 (refueled)

Character Shot:

I wear a mask because I commit crimes, silly.

I almost stopped playing today…

There was a HUGE bug in the game. Basically, a game breaker. It has to do with a quest item: Uncommon Taste. Of course you can complete the quest, but why would you even want to? Observe:


Oh well, I guess I’ll keep playing, for now.

Also, there’s a serial killer on the loose… Jack the Lizzard they call him.

He mutilates the genitalia of his prey — very twisted indeed.

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Day 5: Summary November 23, 2011

  • Hours Played: 20 (89/154)
  • Level: 34
  • Average Excitement Boner: Staff of Magnus
  • Energy Drinks Remaining: 3

Character Shot:

Dragonscale Armor (I made it myself)

So, I’ve encountered a pain-in-the-dick bug with the quest item Red Eagle’s Fury. Basically, I’ve already completed the related quest for this item, but some Forsworn happened to have this same item on them… so, naturally, I picked it up (to sell). As it turns out, it’s still registered as a quest item, so I cannot drop it. It weights 12 pounds, so that’s kind of annoying. The fix? Well, I couldn’t find one, so I just used the console (PC only):

player.removeitem 0009fd50 1

I’ve found a source for infinite steel arrows. Just head to solitude and wait for the “soldier training” to start. The arrows hit the targets and build up. With my mercantile, they only sell for 1 septim a piece, but I imagine this would be valuable in earlier levels.

He must have a quiver the size of >redacted< somebody's mom.

Another weird bug that I ran into, after receiving the White Phial from the Repairing the Phial quest, is that empty phials duplicate themselves when clicked on. This would be awesome, but sadly, they don’t all refill (only one does).

This would be much less annoying if they had monetary value...

Also, Jack the Lizzard has struck again…

The sex was consensual, I swear!

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Day 6: Summary November 25, 2011

  • Hours Played: 12 (101/154)
  • Level: 37
  • Average Excitement Boner: Paarthurnax
  • Energy Drinks Remaining: 2

After upping my Smithing skill to 100, I’m finding it difficult to level quickly. This typically happens to me in Elder Scrolls games. I've found that leveling was better in Oblivion because I could plot out my leveling path easier (only skills that you’ve selected will level your character).

I’m still wearing my Dragon Scale armor. People comment on it everywhere I go. “OMG! IS THAT DRAGON SCALE ARMOR? DO WANT.” So, there’s no real need for a character shot. I just look the same as yesterday.

One thing that really bothers me about this game is how you constantly have to prove yourself to every foe. I mean, I had my axe disarmed, and I BEAT A DRAGON TO DEATH WITH MY BARE HANDS. Also, I (spoilers) defeated Dragon Priests, conquered entire forts full of fierce warriors (all by myself), became the leader of the Dark Brotherhood, the leader of the Thieves Guild, and the Arch Mage of the Mages’ College, and assasinated the mother fucking emperor. Seriously. I’m getting sick of the lack of dialogue options to support my point (which is: I’m about to WTFPWN you). When I’m met with resistance, I should be able to say “When I assassinated the emperor, he didn’t beg for his life, but I bet you will” or “I’ve killed scores of dragons with this axe, are you sure you’re not afraid of me? Just a little bit?” or even “I’m the Dragonborn, bitch.”

Really? I've just axe-raped your entire army... by myself. But no, you're probably right, I don't stand a chance...

Note: when you fight this guy, wait for him to spawn Daedra. This appears to be one of the few places you can acquire Daedra Hearts, which are required for the manufacture of Daedric weapons and armor.

Bug: When you complete the Azura’s Star quest above, take the Black Star. It accepts white souls as well as black ones in my version of the game, perhaps a patch will fix it.

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Day 7, 8, 9: The Final Word November 27, 2011

  • Hours Played: 2.5 (103/154)
  • Level: 41
  • Average Excitement Boner: So flaccid it might as well be a vagina.
  • Energy Drinks Remaining: 0

Well, fuck a fat whore in the mouth. I accidentally finished the main quest….

Accidentally? How does one accidentally finish the main quest?

You first have to make the assumption that the main quest-line would be as long as any one of the side quest-lines. For example, the Thieves Guild quest-line took me significantly longer than the main quest. I didn’t want to go into spoilers, so I didn’t read that the second part of the main quest was a one-stop shop. I’m so empty inside…

Basically, without ruining the magical surprise, this is what happens:

You’re tasked with traveling to some remote place (via dragon). Once there, you’ll have to solve a couple of puzzles and head to another remote-can’t-ever-come-back-from place. The normal Skyrim “fast-travel” rules do not apply to this remote place, but the Dragon that takes you there makes no mention of this (thanks for the warning you fucking dick-smack). Thus once you’re there, you’ll be required to travel to the other remote place before you can get back to the “normal” world. If you don’t have auto-saving on (I’m never turning it off again) then you’d better save prior to taking your magic carpet ride. SRSLY. Also, the ending is lame. Not cliffhanger lame, but about-as-epic-as-church lame. FUCKASSWHORE! I feel like I imagine a substance junkie would feel if he suddenly learned that his entire life’s saving of rainy-day crack rocks were plundered by the Po-Po.

Overall the story of Skyrim was rather weak compared to Oblivion. You don’t feel as connected with the world. You don’t get the sense of “all hope is lost” as you do in Oblivion. Dragons, sure, people are scared of them, but the environment doesn’t change. In Oblivion, the skies darken and assassins start popping up in random locations. In Skyrim, dragons will attack a town, but it’s just one dragon and the guards can usually make short work of them. On the plus side, the Mage and Archer type characters are much improved, as is the entire combat system. On the down side, you’re not as in control of your perks or leveling as you were in Oblivion.The side quests are also a little underdeveloped. This is especially true for the Imperial and Stormcloak civil war that is escalating. Sure you get to win some battles, but these feel cheap. You can’t directly alter the outcome aside from the quest line. Your command will tell you “Clear out some enemy camps”, but this task is impossible due to the camp leaders being marked as “essential”. Rest assured, when you’re finished winning the war for your side, there will be no “V-day” celebration, only a very brief speech where you’re not acknowledged. Also, you learn to detest the methods of both sides, removing the chance that you’ll feel good about what you’re doing. Unless you like Nazi’s… then you’ll be fine. Both sides do Nazi-like things. The character acting in Skyrim is a little improved over the uncomfortable gayness you got with Oblivion (especially that scenes with the Blades and Martin, super gay not gay). The lands of Oblivion were easy to travel and had a lot of variation. The lands of Skyrim are mountainous and boring. A large portion of it is just snow… endless rocky peaks of snow. There are a few greener areas, but getting to the tops of the mountains (where many quest targets are) is a huge pain-in-the-dick. It’d be fine if you character could climb, but a knee-high rock is a major obstacle (perhaps he has osteoporosis, which leads to an immense fear of falling more than 2 feet). The ending battle is easy. Very easy. Much easier than fighting the Falmer (these jumpy elven creatures that are nearly invincible in large groups; basically they’re the equivalent of Goblins from Oblivion).

Health Information:

  • Blood Pressure: Coming soon, I need to go to Wal-Mart for my free checkup when there aren’t any fatties around. 110/72
  • Heart Rate: 77 BPM, this is a notable increase over the start of this journey (64 BPM). I’m not sure if it’s the copious amount of caffeine or if I have a higher fasting BPM like athletes do… perhaps video games make you healthier? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Post-Game Desk Photo:

This was the point that the garbage began impeding my mouse movement.

Some Stats (General):

Steam Overview

General Stats 1/2

General Stats 2/2

More Stats (Quest):

Quest Stats

More Stats (Combat):

Combat Stats (No. of Axe-rapes)

More Stats (Crime):

Crime Stats

More Stats (Crafting):

How many bitchin' things I've made

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